Ask Anita

“I have so much work to do before I go on holiday but I can not motivate myself to do it. Can you give me some advice?”-Harbourcoat

“Motivation” comes from the Latin word, “Mo-tif” which essentially translates to “Cocaine” in Modern English. Do what you will with that very, very solid fact.

Anita

“Anita, I want to be a supermodel, but everyone says I’m too short. Do you have any advice that will help me achieve this dream?”-Lori, USA

Nope. Consider your dream buried alive.

Anita

“I think my boyfriend is thinking about breaking up with me. He’s been acting weird and distant and the other night I’m almost SURE I saw him with another girl. I love him, Anita, and I’d do anything to hold onto him. Please, what should I do?” -Hildegarde, DE

I hate to say it, Hildegarde… but your boyfriend is most DEFINITELY cheating on you. How do I know for sure? Because he’s here right now, licking my toes.

He doesn’t love you and he never did. In fact, the only reason why he was with you in the first place was because you had Playstation 2 before anyone else. There is nothing you can do to hold onto him, as what he really needs right now is an X-BOX 360.. with a side of YOURS TRULY.

Now if you’ll excuse me, your boyfriend and I have started a ROCKBAND, and we have to practice before we make love all night long.

Anita

“I think my flatmate is trying to kill me in my sleep. I want to kill her before she gets to me. What should I do?” -Ali, UK

The answer is almost always, nine times out of ten, Anthrax. Sprinkle some on her weapon of choice before you go to sleep… and you’ll hear a nice-sounding *THUD* as you crawl into your bed, a sound that would rival the sweetest lullaby.

Anita

“Anita, I read somewhere on the internet that you are Amish. What is a typical day like for you?” -Kelly J.

Well, I usually wake up at the crack of dawn. My brother Anis is already in the fields around that time. He doesn’t do any work in the fields, he’s just a little mentally ill from all the inbreeding.

Anyway, after breakfast I head to the town center, and enjoy the company with my peers. Tommy, the cutest kid in town, recently discovered that you can kiss people you ARE NOT MARRIED TO. crazy, right?? AND if you’re lucky, Tommy just might kiss you. He hasn’t kissed me yet, but since he’s done it to everyone else, its bound to my turn at some point. I mean, if Anis gets to be kissed by Tommy, why shouldn’t I?

I usually end the night planning out my outfit for the next day- making sure i hide this weird bump in my stomach that seems to keep on growing. I have NO idea how it got there but I’m sure if I ask my Pastor he will know. We are reeeeallllyyyy close.

I hope this answers some of your questions! Honestly, I’ve read about normal life and I don’t think its that much different.

Anita